𓃹 (poems)

the depths of last winter 

its hard to not remember all the time

my grey hearted boy

falling, falling

in a cold soft room in england

late last autumn, october cafe

in a memory or a dream or between trembling moments

let me walk you home

i don’t know anything that isn’t a memory

i don’t know anything that isn’t fairy lights and things that aren't coming back

no matter how it threatens to swell up and drown me

i can go back but nothing’s left there anymore

and i do, all the time

autumn leaves skittering in the stairwell

i miss you too

love me bloodied and soft and cold

"it won’t be much longer, now

it won’t be much longer"

___________

when the cold of winter comes i will be ready with medicine and dead leaves and tired little grey feelings

staring into faint outlines shifting on the ceiling and expanding outward forever

(“i don’t want to go back, i don’t want to go back”) until the bitter cold plunge

and when i do i’ll google current snow depths for where you are to feel closer to you

it was cold and i took the last train home

your bony arms and tears falling and soaking into hardwood floor until there's no more left

momentary flicker of silent cathedrals and hands barely brushing hands stained glass

bloody fucking everywhere up and through december snowfall my arms shaking just thinking about it

there is grace too in this world, howling like armageddon reaching up and ripping visceral infinite and endless

up and out gutted candy kisses grief raging (isengrim body wracked sobbing little flowers forever)

"cascading realities, drifting vision" distantly typed while falling two years ago now

(but it didn't matter because it was too late to go home anyway, and there was snow on the ground

still ended up in another state crying on the phone, sick in a nameless town gas station)

good god, aren't you a sight for sore eyes

i saw the way it hurt

i saw the way it crashed down over everything

i promise i'll take care of you too

___________

i'd do anything to go back to last november

when i felt you in every autumn breeze and falling leaf

and heard your laugh like churchbells when it got too quiet

some part of me will always be trudging through the snow

some part of me is left in an empty field i couldn't place on a map

to refuse to become callous is to become an open wound forever

and i'd never want anything else

___________

soft as silk embroidery

as cold as sinking into dissociated backroad snowbanks wondering if i’ll be found in time if i stayed here

just stayed here

words tinged bitter, carved to cut

halfhearted laugh under london skies

and walking home together

i close my eyes again as the train blows past

the black cat of memory and the idea that this might never happen

i know your shaking hands, thousands of miles away

we both deserved better than we got

snowbank, freefall

train goes by

___________

wisterias into the distance

burning house precipice

i swear that i meant it

cascade relapse

held through tempest

rusty wire wrapped in circles through your heart

storm clouds

black snow

a closing horizon

and still i meant it all